Why Is Being A Mom So Hard- And How To Make It Easier

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Today I listened to a powerful podcast episode by Glennon Doyle from We Can Do Hard Things. She was talking with her sister about the invisible labor of motherhood.

Taking on this weight is hard and drains the fun out of life in so many ways. I have been thinking about related topics of mental load and invisible labor, this podcast inspired me to sit down and put into words why being a mom is so hard.

What Is The Hardest Part Of Being A Mom?

The hardest part of being a mom is that society’s job description of motherhood is unrealistic. We need to talk about it in the open air. Moms walk into a role that assumes unlimited selfishness and loss of identity, then we ask ourselves why every day is so hard.

Women wonder if they are doing it wrong. You are not doing it wrong, the job title (motherhood) is portrayed incorrectly. You are told it is all rainbows and glitter, while the unspoken descriptions of our duties is different. Moms are expected to take care of so much that even the most basic labor laws of our society would not condone them.

Women are born into a world that has already assigned them the role of caretaker. In the womb, people around them are fantasizing about what it is like to “have a girl” versus “having a boy”. That matters. Those ideas start to shape our children’s identity and will have long-term ramifications for their future relationships and careers.

Common Boy Descriptions

• Rambunctious
• Energetic
• Rulebreaker
• Physical
• Athletic
• Aggressive

Common Girl Descriptions

• Sweet
• Thoughtful
• Helpful
• Caring
• Peacekeeper
• Rule follower

What To Do If You Hate Being A Mom

Most likely, you are feeling stuck responsible for the totality of parenting. The mental load that is required for such a task has you carrying a huge weight on your shoulders. If you feel like you are holding the sky up on your own, it won’t allow you to fulfill your own needs as a person. Yet, you might think that the only way to be a “good mom” is to let go of your identity and become full self-less. I am here to tell you that is not true.

RELATED: What Are The Qualities Of A Good Mother?

If you hate being a mom, ask yourself these questions:

• What parts of motherhood have me exhausted?
• What mental lists am I carrying, that someone else in the family can take over?
• What would my ideal tasks be as a mom?
• What brings me joy in life?
• What activities did I like before becoming a parent?

You are not alone if you feel like being a mom is hard. The job description is too much. Based on society’s expectations of gender roles in the family, I totally get that dads are like jikes, I am good. I’ll just be the dad.

Let’s raise boys to carry the invisible labor of the family before they start their own. Let’s raise girls to start thinking about their own needs and not just those of everyone else.

We can change the dynamic so that parenting is a more equal distribution of labor. One family at a time, we can rewrite the expectations of motherhood for the 21st century.

What Husbands Don’t Understand About Being A Mom

More often than not, women are taking care of everyone and everything and this has been going on for generations. It leaves men thinking they shouldn’t or “can’t” do those other care-taking tasks.

Many husbands don’t understand that being a mom falls into an exhausting role. A role women have been conditioned for their whole life. This is partly because the other gender has not been taught to see the invisible labor in domestic settings (or work for that matter). I think in part too, it’s just so convenient to be cared for that there is no initiative to change the dynamic.

RELATED: 3 Steps To Overcome Mom Burnout

During the podcast from We Can Do Hard Things, the sister talks about how before they successfully divided up the mental lists of the family, there was this one thing her husband would do that threw her through the roof.

He would send her an article and say something cute like “this is interesting, we could discuss it later”. In hindsight, he was trying to create connections with his wife, but she was so overwhelmed by all her mental to-do’s she saw it as a total insult.

“Here I am, not showered in days and running around doing all these things for our family, and YOU had the time to sit back and leisurely read???”

How To Change The Domestic Dynamic In The Family

The only way to change this dynamic is to talk about it. It might not be easy at first, but the labor will remain invisible if someone doesn’t bring it into a more visible state. As co-parents, you are both CEOs of the family. Your husband is not the assistant. If he is asking you “how can I help” it means he is not bearing the weight of that mental list.

RELATED: 9 Ways To Manage The Invisible Load Of Motherhood

You need to share certain lists with your husband so they are taken off your back. For example, make a list of all top categories that relate to functionally running the family household

Some examples of mental lists to get you started:

• meal planning
• grocery shopping
• social life
• school
• doctor appointments
• cleaning
• organizing holidays
• budgeting
• bill payments
• car maintenance

The next step is to let go. Let your partner do things his own way (with an understanding of basic expectations for the tasks). Do not hand over mental lists that you are not willing to let go of. For example, if you are very concerned about your child’s school and the nuances around that part of their life, don’t hand that over. Either hand smaller parts or give them something else.

Maybe Being A Mom Doesn’t Have To Be So Hard

Letting go of control can feel hard when you have been holding the reins for so long. Ultimately, once the dust settles and everyone adjusts to the new family dynamic, you will find that the relationship with your partner will be stronger. You can let go of the frustration and maybe being a mom will feel a little less hard.

If you hate being a mom right now, I hope you know that most likely, you DON’T hate being a mom. Instead, you hate the role that is expected of motherhood. You can change that role, one mental list at a time.

Ready to get your mental load down on paper? Download this free Mental Load Checklist!

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