Help! My Husband Doesn’t Help Me With The Kids

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As a 21st century women, you might expect that your husband is a 21st century man. Unfortunately old habits die hard, and that of sharing the domestic labor in the home has been a tough one to break.

If you are wondering why your husband doesn’t help with the kids, this blog post can give you some insight as well as aid in putting together a plan on how to share the mental load of your family.

What Do You Do If Your Husband Is Lazy?

I have been teaching college students for many years and there is one thing that the majority of them have in common regardless of gender. They will do as little as possible. This might sound lazy, but what I mean by this is once they get an idea of what the expectations are, its very unlikely they’ll do more than that.

Women are brought up with the expectation of child care while many men are often not. So as women, we have planned out our lives to include those expectations. With our changing society, those expectations are shifting. Some husbands are intuitive enough to see the change and expand what is expected of them.

–>Stay Motivated As A Mom With These 12 Ideas<–

Most though, will remain where they are because although women are taking on work outside of the home, most men do not want to take on more work at home. Child care is unpaid labor that often goes unseen, so its a difficult role to take on without the right support.

If this is your husband, don’t fret! There are things you can do to slowly shift the dynamic that doesn’t include constant nagging.

• Talk about domestic labor. Change doesn’t happen overnight, but you can start talking more openly about things you do and explain the concept of Mental Load.
• Focus on what you need. You can say the same thing in different ways. Focusing on what you need them to do, instead of complaining about everything they don’t do is a much more productive way for conflict resolution.
• Don’t micro-manage. When wanting our husbands to do more, it also means we need to adjust to doing less. Once you’ve decided a task is no longer in your domain, don’t point out how everything should be done. –>use this mental load worksheet to write down all the daily tasks of your children<–
• Stop overdoing. Sometimes the only way to get your spouse to take on more at home is to stop doing things for them. Make sure you communicate this first. I would only resort to this if you experience resistance in delegating tasks.

How Do I Get My Husband To Do Something Without Nagging?

Nagging is the problem word here. The reason being is that it focuses on what is NOT being done, and often happens in moments when emotions are running high. Conflict will rarely resolve themselves in the heat of the moment. Instead, find a time when both of you are calm to address things that bother you.

When looking for change, focus on what change looks like, versus the actions that you don’t like. For example, if you need support in the morning getting the kids ready and everyone out of the house, tell him exactly what you need his role to be.

First write down all the steps from waking up to getting the kids out of the house. Then converse about who should take what. Maybe your husband wakes up and does breakfast, while you cover clothing and hygiene. When everyone knows exactly what is expected, it is easier to share the invisible labor of the family.

–>Learn More Ways To Make The Invisible Labor Of Motherhood More Visible<–

Sometimes the process of sharing what you need, instead of what is bothering you will be difficult. At that time you’ll need to do some soul-searching to fully understand how to divide what is currently achieved by one person.

Use this mental load work sheet to put down on paper everything you do. That way you will see exactly how your mental load is structured and more intentionally share it with your spouse.

How To Get My Husband To Understand Me?

So you’ve spoken to your husband but he is resistant to hearing what you have to say. How to proceed in this type of situation will differ from couple to couple, but that is why couples therapy is so popular (and effective).

First of all, be patient. Give your spouse time to adjust. It is possible that this conversation needs to happen multiple times. Just remember that the goal here is to stay calm. When people feel attacked, they often shut down.

Next, make sure you are super clear about what you need. Talking about invisible labor is tricky because its not visible. He might not be aware of all those extra tasks on your plate when it comes to the kids. The more you practice talking about what’s involved in your day to day, the easier it will be for your spouse to acknowledge and support.

–>9 Tips To Making The Invisible Labor Visible In Your Marriage<–

Lets say patience and communication is just not cutting it, going to see couples counselor is a great next step. Unfortunately people who are stubborn to this point might also avoid therapy, making change feel impossible. You might have to give your husband an ultimatum where you simply stop doing certain things that fill your plate too much.

When difficult change is on the horizon, it often gets harder before it gets easier. Make sure to take care of yourself during this transition. Check out these free self care ideas to stay positive and feel good.

How Do You Deal With An Unsupportive Husband?

If your spouse is acting unsupportive towards your needs, the best thing to do is focus on you. Often actions speak louder than words, so if you start nurturing your own needs others will follow suit.

It can be freeing to realize you don’t need other’s approval to take care of yourself. You won’t be able to control his actions, but you can control what you do and do not do. Stop bending backwards for him, if he is not willing to return the favor.

I am in no position to tell you if its worth remaining with this person (if they don’t support you). The reality is if you start growing your own self-worth, its very possible to outgrow your relationship if he isn’t willing to adapt as well.

Changes Is A Two Way Street

If you are experiencing zero domestic support from your husband, there are many things you can do to change the circumstances. Communication is key as long as it’s not nagging and complaining.

Change involves a lot of inner work to understand exactly what you need from your partner. Working on your own self worth will catapult you into a place where prioritizing self care matters. Reaching out to a couple’s counselor or starting therapy is really helpful as support during this change.

Remember you are not alone in having a husband that doesn’t help with the kids. In fact, the majority of women struggle with this family dynamic. You are already making positive changes by reading this blog post.

Download this free Mental Load Checklist to start the communication process!

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